Archive | November, 2011

Ass-Kissing

27 Nov

There are 3 types of Ass-Kisser Commenters among HLBs.

1. Newbie Blogger Ass-Kisser (aka I’m-going-to-comment-on-big-blogs-to-get-new-readers-because-I-want-to-be-popular)

Omg that bowl of oatmeal looks so yummy!!!! *CLICK ON MY BLAWG PUHLEEAAAZZ*

Basically, those comments are pointless and are just a way to drag traffic to their blogs. When you see 20+ comments that say the same thing, all of them from small bloggers, you know they didn’t read the post and just looked at the picture of oatmeal and said the first thing that came into their mind.

Inflated-Ego-Super-Narcissistic Big Bloggers love them. The standing ovation to their 56 pictures of oatmeal  and 17 self-portrait/mirror pictures gives them clicks (more $$), and their ego are happily satisfied.

2. Eating-Disordered Ass-Kisser

Gah, your foods look so good, I need to try that Spinach-PB butter-Chia seed-Chocolate oatmeal combo!!! I love that you bought 46 jars of nut butters, soooo delicious! :D. By the way, I too am trying to recover from anorexia and don’t want to gain fat, just muscles, and I love your blog!!

Pretty common in blogs where the blogger claims to be recovered and naturally skinny, while running 10miles/day and eating egg whites with stevia, natural almond butter and sugar-free jam for dessert (or other weird concoctions).

Also, another one:

OMG that woman was so rude for commenting on your look!!! Don’t feel triggered because she said you are skinny!!!! What an inappropriate comment, she doesn’t have any manner! You’re right, FUCK HER! GO YOU!!!

I’ve seen way too many posts about skinny people bashing someone who commented on their weight, even if it wasn’t intentional: a woman told a skinny blogger in the gym that if she had that body, she wouldn’t be here. That anorexic blogger bashed that woman on her blog.

Ok. You might not have liked the comment (although you know that your eating-disordered self secretly liked it but won’t admit it on your blog because you must maintain this ”inspiration/role model” statue for the Recovery-Blogger Community), but you obviously know she didn’t said it in to be mean, right?

So just move on. Sheesh. No need to make a big deal out of it. If you want people to stop calling you skinny, then gain weight. What, don’t want to? Then don’t do as if it bothered you, it’s fake and it comes across as braggy.

Another one:

Kick ED in the ass and go get that organic, gluten free, carb-free, lactose-free, taste-free muffin!  :]!!! You’re such an inspiration, you’re my role model you inspire me sooooo much!!! Stay strong loviiiieeee xoxox

I can’t stand this one. I know I already said it. Inspiration for eating a fucking muffin. At this point, I think the guy who invented Telephone Dumbbell should be an inspiration for all fitness instructors.

''Introducing the Telephone Dumbbell. In modern times, people are spending longer at work, which means they have less time for exercise. Well the telephone dumbbell lets you work out whilst answering calls. A truly magnificent breakthrough in the world of work and fitness.''

3. White Knight Ass-Kisser

If you ever left a comment that’s not in agreement with the Blogger, you know what I’m talking about. As soon as you say something that’s not ”I LOVE YOUR BLOG”, the White Knights come to the rescue and call you a meanie, a hater, a jealous freak, an ignorant and rude person.

Internet White-Guilt Knight

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Join the ”What I [fill the bank] Wednesday” Party + Dijon Yogurt Veggie Dip

23 Nov

Introducing my first attempt at being a HLB-Wannabe!

The first thing that came out (with a lot of effort) of my butt hole was…

…my raw veggies with my Dijon Yogurt Veggie Dip!

Ingredients

  • ~1/3 cup Plain Greek Yogurt
  • ~2 tbsp Dijon Mustard (with Chardonnay)
  • ~1 to 1.5 tsp sweetener
  • Salt and Pepper, to taste
Directions
  1. Mix everything together and chill to let the flavors combine.
  2. Serve with your favorite veggies! I like celery and carrots the best.

——–

So good, so AMAZABALLS!!!

Today was my rest day, so I took it easy on the workout!! Here’s what I did:

1. 4 set of 15 reps of kegel exercises

  • Keep your muscles contracted for 30sec between each rep!
  • Between each set, take a 0.3 sec break
2. 78 laps of swimming with 15oz. cans of pumpkin attached to each of your arms and legs
  • The weights are the key for a super effective workout! Cardio is shit! You MUST use weights because that’s the trend in the HLBlogsphere! LIFT HEAVYYYYYY!!!! FAWK THE ELLIPTICAL (unless it’s HIIT)!!!!
Then I went to the sauna and stayed there for 5hours!

I sweated a tonnnnnn of calories!! That might be the reason why I was so hungry, I mean, I ate soooooo many carrots with that veggie dip! That’s like a ton of carbs, and I’m soooo bloated and gassy!
I think I might have an intolerance to carbs.
Yeah, that’s it:
I’m allergic to carbs! 

Luckily, I found those wonderful carb-free, lactose-free, fat-free, gluten-free, calorie-free donuts

And funny thing, they made me wallet-free too! Why does healthy food have to be sooooo expensive??!!

——-

This was all sarcastic, by the way…My diet doesn’t consist on celery and donuts, and I don’t do kegel exercises. Just thought I would mention it, in case your poor brain is too malnourished because of your restrictive intake to get it.

Don’t try the pumpkin can thing, you’re gonna drown (or die from humiliation).

Also, stop complaining about money/being poor if you buy protein powders, coconut flours, sugar-free dark chocolate, organic sprouted whole grain bread, etc., because those ARE more expensive, and YOU are making the choice to spend your dough on that. Suck it up, and live with it.

And those calorie-free donuts don’t exist. In the meantime, do as I do and go get your donuts at Tim Horton’s.

Honey Cruller Donuts and Timbits are my faves. Hate the Old-fashioned one. Yuck.

Image from Google

Top 5 Most Annoying Posts

19 Nov

Not in particular order. They are all fucking annoying.

1. ”Love yourself, you’re beautiful no matter what everyone says!”

99% of the bloggers who say this actually feel pretty and are having a good day, and writing it down reinforces this idea. Not that it’s bad, it’s just that this is just a projection of how THEY feel. For the reader who is having a bad day, it is not going to do much.

And don’t get me started on ” Operation Beautiful’‘ thing.

A post-it note written by a stranger that most likely projects how HE/SHE feels is not going to make me feel better if I’m having self-esteem issues.

If I’m having a bad day and feeling like crap, and see a”Love yourself, you’re beautiful!’‘ post-it on the woman washroom’s mirror, I will rip it off, tear it apart, and, if the person who wrote this note is still around, make her eat it.

Yeah, you don’t want to be around me when I’m having a bad day.

Side-Note: Now that I just wrote this, it would be super hypocritical of me to sign up and become a LOVE blogger.

Damn it. I really wanted that granola.

Granola VS Dignity

—> Dignity wins

Free granola VS Dignity 

—> …we’ll say Dignity.

2. Talk about eating an unclean food like you’ve accomplished 4 triathlons back to back.

And here is my dessert: DONUT! Nomnomnom! So good! Nothing wrong with enjoying sweets once in a while, huh? I love treating myself, I definitely deserved it! The fluffy inside, crispy sugary outside…See, white carbs didn’t kill me!

Stop thinking you are a special snowflake because you ate something unclean. You know you’re in for a HLB detox when you think it’s abnormal to eat something normal. And please, no ”I’m still recovering from my sugar coma” in your next post.

And the comments. Oh, the comments.

If it’s a Healthy Living blog:

That donut looks soooooo yummy!! I want to eat it soooo bad!!

Then get your ass off, go to Tim Horton’s (if you’re Canadian) or Dunkin’ Donuts (if you’re American), and go get that fucking donut, instead of drooling in front of the computer. Unless you’re scared to gain 48lbs+ from it, of course. In that case, just keep pretending that you ate that donut, but that it landed on the blogger’s hips.

If it’s a Recovery HLB-Wannabe blog:

OMG you have such a healthy relationship with food! You’re an inspiration!! Congrats on that donut, it is sooooo scary!!

Ok. That blogger ate a donut. A fucking donut. ”Inspiration”??!!? For a donut??! Millions of Americans eat donuts every single day, for God’s sake. Stop emphasizing how it was difficult/scary, because it just associates donuts with guilt. We need to stop discriminating donuts.

3. ”Listen to your body!”

You know what? If I were to listen to my body/my mind, I would be laying all day on a couch, eating Honey Cruller Donuts, Sweet Chili Heat Doritos, Poutine, Japanese Mochis and Kabocha all day long. With liters of coffee, pop and tea. I would be 200lbs+, and I don’t really want that*.

My favorite Doritos flavour! What's yours?

Sometimes, I have to talk myself into not eating the whole house or talk myself into getting my ass off the computer and do something productive, like doing homework or workout.

*And no, not wanting to get to 200lbs+ by eating crap does not mean I’m relapsing or obsessing about my weight. Pretty common among bloggers who had EDs to get accused of being unhealthy for not wanting to be unhealthy.

4. Write about how mean that commenter was and how you *might* stop blogging

Bravo! You found the perfect way of how to get lurkers to get out of their hole and comment (that’s really hard to do) and see how many minions you have!

If you do a whole blog post about ONE fucking comment, then that commenter was probably right.

Most common example is the blogger who gets accused of supporting EDs with their ”healthy” habits:

How dare you assume I’m projecting an unhealthy image for people with EDs?!! 

I am really healthy: blood tests are fine, healthy weight (a bit on the slim side)…it is just me naturally! You are just projecting your insecurities on me because I’m healthy! You don’t know me, so shut up and don’t make assumptions on my life, because you no NOTHING! I don’t post everything I eat, I eat A LOT more than you think! 

I might take my blog down for a little while. I’m soooo hurt by this comment!

And then you have the immediate flood of ass-kissing comments:

Don’t stop blogging! We need you!!!!

Please stay strong lovie!!! You’re beautiful!!!

Fuck that commenter!! Zust zealous haterzzzz!!!

Of course, the next post is inevitably:

OMG you guys are sooooo sweet! Love you soooo much!! I’m back to blogging!

Barf. Puke. Die.

5. ”Don’t be scared of carbs/fats!”

I don’t need someone to tell me that a cinnamon roll is not going to kill me. But that’s not what gets me in those posts. It’s the hypocrisy behind it:

”EAT YOUR CARBS!” speech, followed by a bowl of Carba Nada Noodles.

”FAT ARE YOUR FRIENDS!” speech, followed by an ode to PB2 and how it tastes juste like the real thing.

Your readers are not stupid.

I don’t mind those foods. But if I eat them, it is certainly not because I don’t mind eating too much carbs/fats.

Be honest, people.

How HLB-Brainwashed Are You? + Butterscotch Chocolate Chip Protein Ice Cream

18 Nov

You will need a paper and a pencil.

1. What’s your opinion on shirataki noodles?

A) They are awesome! I don’t eat them because of their low-calorie content though, I eat them because I genuinely love them! I swear it’s not because I’m scared of carbs!! Really!!!

B) They’re ok, pretty decent for a low-calorie alternative, but if it wasn’t for the calories or carbs, I would pick the regular pasta

C) They’re disgusting, they smell like fish guts!

2. How many tubes of protein powder do you currently have in your house?

A) 4+

B) 1-3

C) None

3. How many of the following items or recipes have you tried: coconut flour, peanut flour, chia seeds, hemp protein powder, kombucha, Green smoothies, OIAJ, kale chips, protein ice cream, protein cake/muffins?

A) 5+

B) 2-4

C) 0-2 (but before it has become popular in the blogsphere)

4. How many of the following words or expressions have you used:

  • ”Get in my belly!”
  • ”You bet I ate that bad boy”
  • ”Foodgasm”
  • ”Nom nom nom”
  • ”Amazeballs!”
  • ”Awesomeness”, ”Deliciousness”…
  • ”This recipe is lifechanging!”
  • ”Chocolate? Yes please!’‘ (or any other food)

A) 3+

B) 1-2

C) None

5. Why do you work out?

A) I absolutely love the way it makes me feel! It’s not about the calories or anything though, I swear I’m honest! I juste loooooove working out and torturing myself every single day!

B) I like the endorphin rush, but if it wasn’t for the fact that it also keeps me in shape, I think I would rather be doing myself a manicure and read magazines.

C) Working out…? Does taking the stairs count?

6. What do you think of that ”What I Ate Wednesday”?

A) SO FREAKING AMAZEBALL!! It’s sooo cool to see what this popular blogger ate! I mean, look at this picture of Honeycrisp Apple! She ate an apple!!!! An apple!!!!! And if you zoom on this bowl of oatmeal, you can see that underneath the chia seeds, blueberries, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, egg whites, biscoff spread and nut butter, there’s 3 chocolate chips!!! SO AMAZEBAAAALLLLL!!!!!

B) Meh, they’re no different than Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They post their food diary every single day anyway.

C) I. Can’t. If I see another ”What I Ate Wednesday”, ”What I Wished I Ate Wednesday”, ”What I Realized Wednesday”, ”What I Used to Ate Wednesday”, ”What I Will Eat On Wednesday”, ”What I Worked Wednesday”, ”What I Pooped Wednesday”, I’m gonna puke.

7. When you see a recipe for (Fake) Protein Ice Cream, what do you think?

A) OMG, this blogger is a fucking genius!!! PROTEIN!!!! WOUHOOOO!!! I’m gonna kiss her/his shoes, I can’t believe it, a healthy alternative for ice cream loaded with protein!!!! OH MY GAWD!!!

B) Cool, I’ll bookmark it. Sounds not too bad for a healthy alternative. I might try it after my Dairy Queen trip.

C) No thanks. I don’t want to become a Fart Machine. Protein farts are gross.

Results:

Majority of A): Get the fuck out of here, and go into a Healthy Living Blogs Readers Anonymous group (HLBRA).

Majority of B): It’s just a matter of time for those HLBs to get you. At least you seem to have some sense of self-awareness.

Majority of C): You’re going to hate my blog.

——-

For ice cream snobs, you can skip this recipe. It is NOT a substitute for Haagen-Dazs (or whatever it is spelled). I tried to come up with something else than ”ice cream”, but decided I have better things to do than to worry about ruining the reputation of ice cream.

I don’t know who came up with the concept first. I think bodybuilders have been eating this before the protein hype among HLBs came. Anyway.

Butterscotch Chocolate Chip Protein Ice Cream

I really need to learn how to use a camera. Or just post the recipe without picture. I think that will be better.

EDIT: Changed the picture. Still need to learn how to use a camera, though.

Makes 3-4 cups

  • 12-15 ice cubes
  • 30-35g Vanilla Whey Protein powder
  • 1 tbsp (1/4 of package) Jell-O Butterscotch Instant pudding
  • 2-3 packets of sweetener
  • ½ tsp xantham gum and ½ tsp guar gum* (if use cow milk as a liquid, you might want to cut back on the amount of thickeners)
  • 5oz water or non-dairy milk or COW milk (in this case, lower the amount of gums)
  • ~1/4 tsp butterscotch extract (optional)
  • Chocolate chips (can melt some to make a chocolate ribbon)

Directions

    1. Crush the ice cubes in the blender.
    2. Mix the protein powder, pudding powder, sweetener and gums together, and add them to the blender.
    3. Add liquid and extract, if using.
    4. Blend until there are no more ice chunks. Don’t over-blend because it heat the blender and melt the ‘ice cream’
    5. Add the chocolate chips
    6. Pour into whatever glass or bowl you have, and freeze for at least an hour (I usually wait for 2h, and let it thaw).

Fart Blaster + Chocolate Protein Cake

13 Nov

Seriously. If I hear one more blogger complaining about having a”food baby” and no idea about why hey are ”soooo bloated and gassy”, I’m gonna punch my computer.

I have news for you.

No matter how much Beano you’re using, if your diet is consisting of protein powder, blondies made with chickpeas, huge ”salad beast” (I’m talking a whole cauliflower + broccoli + lettuce heads), tons of squash, smoothies with xantham gum and guar gum, FiberOne, etc., you’re not going to solve this gas problem.

Even though I love my kabocha, I had to choose between:

  1. turning orange/smelling like I spent my entire life in a manhole with dead bodies
  2. not having to spend 20$ on Beano/stop getting weird looks from the cute pharmacist (FML)

(I chose option 2., in case you’re wondering)

It’s less intense than before, but my farts are still very…flabbergasting. I’m pretty sure this is not only the result of my diet, but also the result of my ED/refeeding process. This is why, ladies and gentlemen, it is recommended to stay away from Healthy Living Bloggers and ED recovery patients: they unleash stink bombs that are as deadly as an army of zombies with missiles controlled by Hitler.

My mom says that I am the next Secret Weapon if there’s another world war .

Wanna have super powers like me? Eat tons of protein powder* and try this Chocolate Protein Cake!

We all love protein recipes in the blogshpere, right? Bonus if it has the word cake in it. But do not say I’ve not warned you against the side effects. The cake is pretty good though. For a protein cake, I mean.

You can scale down the recipe to 1/2, or even 3/4. I’ve tried that and it works well (but adjust cooking time).

Chocolate Protein Cake

Yeah, I know I’m no photographer, but you’ve gotta admit that for a cellphone, the iPhone takes decent pics.

Ingredients

  • 3 extra-large (120g) egg whites
  • 100g canned pumpkin
  • 175ml hot coffee (1 tsp instant coffee with hot water)
  • 40g Chocolate Whey Protein powder (I use Ultimate Nutrition Whey Sensation 81 Chocolate Truffle flavour)
  • 20g whole wheat pastry flour
  • 30g coconut flour (I use Inari‘s brand: I think it absorbs more liquid than other brands so you might not need all the water)
  • 15g (3 tbsp) cocoa powder
  • 6 packets of sweetener (1 packet = 2tsp of sugar)
  • 3/4 tsp baking soda
  • 3/4 tsp baking powder
Directions
  1. Preheat oven to 375.  Spray a bundt pan with cooking spray or better, use a silicone pan.
  2. Beat the egg white on high speed until foamy. Add the pumpkin and coffee and beat until well mixed.
  3. Mix the dry ingredients together and add it to the wet mixture with a spatula.
  4. Bake for 27-30min, or until a toothpick comes out clean.
  5. Chill before serving.

You can use any other type of pan, but of course consider the cooking time. For muffins (I estimate it would yield 6-7 big or 9 muffins), check after 20min.

*Still, don’t overdose on protein powder. Moderation, people. Moderation. And if you do, please stop complaining about how bloated/gassy you feel, because you’ve searched for it, and please stop wondering why Beano doesn’t work.

Q: What food makes you fart?

(I can’t believe I’m writing this. So glad you don’t know me in real life)

Well played, Trader Joe’s. Well played.

10 Nov

Remember back last year, when Trader Joe’s Peanut Flour has been discontinued?

Probably. If not, then you probably were too busy with real life because it was all around the ”Healthy Blogsphere”.

On my last post, I talked about stocking up on pumpkin cans.

Then I remembered this Peanut flour tragedy. And I’m not exagerrating: if you google ”Peanut flour”, the second link is really ”the Peanut Flour Tragedy”.

Spabettie said something that really made sense, and if you’re like me and too lazy to click on links, here’s a resume:


It’s funny how many went crazy about stocking up…
You can buy it online here, and if you are in Canada, here.

The Reason Behind Pumpkin Shortage

8 Nov

So easy to figure this out.

Don’t get me wrong, I like pumpkin.

It’s pretty good with some maple syrup (or even Splenda Stevia), chopped apples, raisins and cinnamon, or to add moisture to baked good.

But some HLB take it a BIT too far. I think that’s why there’s this pumpkin shortage in the US and not in Canada…because since all the big HLB are in the US, they buy the grocery’s entire stock, hence this pumpkin-fixation and the natural  ”I need to stock up or else I’m going to starve!” blogger instinct. Doesn’t help that all their readers are also pumpkin-brainwashed, so they also go crazy when they see it on the shelves.

This can apply to any ”typical HLB” staple: chia seeds, coconut flour, protein powders (sweetened with stevia, of course, none of that Splenda chemical poison), Kabocha squash…, but pumpkin seemed to be more fitting (and easier to draw than bags of chia seeds)

Now, tell me, which one of the HBL type food are you guilty of stocking up, for fear that you’ll run out? Mines are:

  1. Kabocha squash
  2. Coconut flour
  3. Pumpkin (although in Canada, we have E.D Smith brand, not Libby)
I know, I’m a freaking hypocrite.
But most people with blogs and who read blogs are anyway.