Fart Blaster + Chocolate Protein Cake

13 Nov

Seriously. If I hear one more blogger complaining about having a”food baby” and no idea about why hey are ”soooo bloated and gassy”, I’m gonna punch my computer.

I have news for you.

No matter how much Beano you’re using, if your diet is consisting of protein powder, blondies made with chickpeas, huge ”salad beast” (I’m talking a whole cauliflower + broccoli + lettuce heads), tons of squash, smoothies with xantham gum and guar gum, FiberOne, etc., you’re not going to solve this gas problem.

Even though I love my kabocha, I had to choose between:

  1. turning orange/smelling like I spent my entire life in a manhole with dead bodies
  2. not having to spend 20$ on Beano/stop getting weird looks from the cute pharmacist (FML)

(I chose option 2., in case you’re wondering)

It’s less intense than before, but my farts are still very…flabbergasting. I’m pretty sure this is not only the result of my diet, but also the result of my ED/refeeding process. This is why, ladies and gentlemen, it is recommended to stay away from Healthy Living Bloggers and ED recovery patients: they unleash stink bombs that are as deadly as an army of zombies with missiles controlled by Hitler.

My mom says that I am the next Secret Weapon if there’s another world war .

Wanna have super powers like me? Eat tons of protein powder* and try this Chocolate Protein Cake!

We all love protein recipes in the blogshpere, right? Bonus if it has the word cake in it. But do not say I’ve not warned you against the side effects. The cake is pretty good though. For a protein cake, I mean.

You can scale down the recipe to 1/2, or even 3/4. I’ve tried that and it works well (but adjust cooking time).

Chocolate Protein Cake

Yeah, I know I’m no photographer, but you’ve gotta admit that for a cellphone, the iPhone takes decent pics.

Ingredients

  • 3 extra-large (120g) egg whites
  • 100g canned pumpkin
  • 175ml hot coffee (1 tsp instant coffee with hot water)
  • 40g Chocolate Whey Protein powder (I use Ultimate Nutrition Whey Sensation 81 Chocolate Truffle flavour)
  • 20g whole wheat pastry flour
  • 30g coconut flour (I use Inari‘s brand: I think it absorbs more liquid than other brands so you might not need all the water)
  • 15g (3 tbsp) cocoa powder
  • 6 packets of sweetener (1 packet = 2tsp of sugar)
  • 3/4 tsp baking soda
  • 3/4 tsp baking powder
Directions
  1. Preheat oven to 375.  Spray a bundt pan with cooking spray or better, use a silicone pan.
  2. Beat the egg white on high speed until foamy. Add the pumpkin and coffee and beat until well mixed.
  3. Mix the dry ingredients together and add it to the wet mixture with a spatula.
  4. Bake for 27-30min, or until a toothpick comes out clean.
  5. Chill before serving.

You can use any other type of pan, but of course consider the cooking time. For muffins (I estimate it would yield 6-7 big or 9 muffins), check after 20min.

*Still, don’t overdose on protein powder. Moderation, people. Moderation. And if you do, please stop complaining about how bloated/gassy you feel, because you’ve searched for it, and please stop wondering why Beano doesn’t work.

Q: What food makes you fart?

(I can’t believe I’m writing this. So glad you don’t know me in real life)

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17 Responses to “Fart Blaster + Chocolate Protein Cake”

  1. recoveringfree November 13, 2011 at 5:03 am #

    Better out than in I always say

    • asianbitch November 13, 2011 at 5:04 am #

      Say that to my family. They’ve encountered Death several times.

      • Anne November 13, 2011 at 9:13 am #

        Ha, that’s what my boyfriend experiences far too much. He practically never farts; it amazes me.

        Broccoli and lentils, for me, definitely make the worst stink bombs imaginable >x< (<—-that is my "gross, something smells" emoticon)

      • asianbitch November 13, 2011 at 12:52 pm #

        =^_^”= <—-That is my ''Hehe, sorry guys, it was me…'' emoticon

        Broccoli are quite something. I don't know what those bloggers are thinking when they eat a whole head of it in a HUGE ASS SALAD BEAST along with cauliflower, squash, ''massaged'' kale, spinach, lettuce, sweet potato, beans, brussel sprouts and turnips. And some wonder why they are singles.

        One day they are going to kill someone with their farts.

  2. Ameena November 14, 2011 at 3:41 am #

    The food baby thing? Drives me freaking nuts. Thank you for this post. Thank you.

    • asianbitch November 14, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

      You’re welcome.
      What’s worse is when they start to think their bloating is due to some kind of lactose-gluten intolerance. Kills me.

  3. Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry November 14, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

    hahaha, huge kudos to you for posting this. Awesome.
    Yeah so…big salads do it for me 🙂 just like the one you described.

  4. janetha November 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    YO! i checked and found one comment in my spam. i approved it so hopefully that problem won’t happen from here on out. xo

    • asianbitch November 18, 2011 at 12:05 am #

      I blame my username.

      • Fiona February 19, 2012 at 7:58 am #

        can’t find the comment box, so sorry about replying to Janeetha’s comment.
        i so get the recovery farts too. Ensure plus/Resource plus are the worst. I used to joke that it was my revenge on the nurses, they had to special me 24/7 so i made sure I aimed in their direction. (“Sucks boo, you wanna fatten me up, take THAT”)
        They actually brought in a fan… oh the shame :/

      • asianbitch February 19, 2012 at 8:58 am #

        Hahahaha, I need to do a ”Quotes” page. This is priceless.

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. How HLB-Brainwashed Are You? + Butterscotch Chocolate Chip Protein Ice Cream « Asian B*tch - November 18, 2011

    […] No thanks. I don’t want to become a Fart Machine. Protein farts are […]

  2. Bitch, Quit Lying! « Asian B*tch - February 18, 2012

    […] We lie. That’s what humans do. Healthy Living bloggers are humans. HLB can also lie, so don’t take for granted that all the shit that comes out of their mouth is 100% true, whether it’s about their personal issues and fitness/nutrition advice, especially if they are not qualified or eat so much protein they are like a walking fart machine. […]

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